Random Thoughts

I've had a lot of random thoughts lately and just feel I need to put some of them down...so I apologize if these do not make sense or just don't really go together.

Since leaving the hospital 3+ months ago, I've dreaded going back to work.  I had to quickly face going back in to the office and face possibly seeing people there as I had to get things from the office, send in forms for FMLA, change my passwords for work...but, I conveniently went in after work hours during the week or on the weekends knowing I would only see 1 or 2 people at most.  I just did not want to face everyone that was there...they all heard the dreams, experiences, and saw my pregnancy progress on a daily basis...I did not want to see any people staring, have to answer questions and face crying in front of everyone.  I did not want to also face those people that knew I was pregnant but did not hear about Owen's death.  I am not sure how I will react to that still..there are plenty that still probably are not aware.  Plus, knowing the stress of work, I was not really ready for that on top of dealing with my grief. 

I've now had 2 full days back at work and have another 1/2 day tomorrow.  I will be back full-time to work in January.  I am so grateful for being able to take all this time off...I needed it.  I thought I would get a lot of work done around our house...finally putting everything away, getting rid of stuff that we no longer use/need, getting the office organized, and so much more.  But, in reality, only a little bit got done.  There were so many days I only got out of bed in the morning (for me that tended to be 9 or 10 am as I quickly adapted to Gene's 2nd shift schedule...I am not a morning person at all) to let Buttercup out or go to the bathroom.  I can totally understand not getting out of bed if I didn't have a reason to.  Other days, I did get out of bed only to get stuck on the couch for a majority of the day.  A few days, I got up and had energy to do some of that work I wanted to get done.  Some days I got up for appointments, lunch dates or other things going on. 

Some people commented that I needed to get back to work, get in a routine and things would get better for me.  Some people think that spending time at home, just allowed me to worry, become obsessed, etc.  In all honesty, I won't get "better"...the only way that would happen is if Owen is here with us...this sort of grief stays with you the rest of your life I imagine.  While the good days are longer, the bad times still are just as hard as that first initial grief those first days, just longer in between the good and bad...and the bad often sneaks up without warning.  I recently read that grief from a miscarriage/stillbirth is different because you do not have the past, good memories of time with that person to think about.  While I do have really good memories from my pregnancy, that is all I have of Owen...36 weeks and a few days.  I never got to see what color his eyes were, what his voice would sound like, his smile would look like, what his personality would be like, when he would hit his milestones, etc...none of the things that parents look forward to and dream about.  They will always remain dreams for Owen, so I do tend to think about those things quite a lot and they do make me sad.  But, I feel that going through the bad days makes the good days better and longer...crying helps me. 

I remember very clearly when the guy from the funeral home brought Gene and I the flowers and other things from Owen's funeral to us that day.  He saw Buttercup and then told us that she will help us.  He said that he and his wife lost a daughter.  They got a dog shortly after and it helped them greatly.  I would completely agree with him on this.  She forces us to get out of bed to let her outside.  She cheers us up when she is playing or doing something crazy.  She realizes we need loving and she cuddles.  She forces us to put away the laptop and phones by sitting on us or on top of the laptop/phone.  She greets us with a wagging butt and puppy kisses when we come back home after being away.  When we are away from her, we realize we miss her lots, even if she drives us crazy sometimes.  She has definitely become part of our family more than just a pet.  We love her lots. 

We've had some people also comment they would like pictures of Owen.  Yes, we do have pictures of him.  I wish that everyone could have seen Owen, as he was so beautiful, and I wish we would have taken more pictures...but we were in such shock that we only have a few from the hospital and some from his funeral...none of the dimple in his chin, his hands or his feet.  But, those are our pictures and for our eyes only.  Sorry! 

I recently read a book about dealing with grief after a stillborn loss, miscarriage or early infant loss and another written from a mom's personal tragedy and her experiences.  Both were really, really good and allowed me to understand that everything I was thinking, dealing with, experiencing was actually quite normal.  I would highly recommend both books for anyone who has the heartbreaking, unfortunate experience of a stillbirth specifically...contact me if you want the titles to pass along.  The book about grief really allowed me to understand what the process my mind, heart, body was going through.  It had excerpts from other mother's who had experienced losses throughout the book and I could relate to those so much.  The other book was written from a mom's perspective after losing her daughter, Avery, due to a cord accident at the end of her pregnancy.  She wrote the book because she could not find another book that she could relate to.  I am really glad that she did write this book as I could relate to her experiences, how she was feeling, what she was going through.  I cried quite a bit reading both books, but they helped greatly.  I really, really wish that I would have had at least the grief book, if not both books, right away and I would have had the courage to read it much earlier.  I have considered donating copies of at least the grief book to the hospital for any other parents that have to go through this horrible nightmare in the future.  Maybe it can help them sooner than it did me.

I also recently ran across another blog that I read through in a few hours.  It is written by a mother whose daughter, Angel, was stillborn.  I read from the most recent post to the beginning, crying most of the time throughout reading it...at almost the end, I realized that she had the same due date for her daughter that I had for Owen, only a year earlier...Oct 7, 2011.  Her posts are really good and I can relate to almost all of them.  If anyone is interested in reading, here is a link to her blog: http://babyringostewart.blogspot.com/.  I saw this poem on her blog and really liked it (there were a lot more that I liked too, but am not going to post them all):

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don’t worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn’t show.
Don’t worry about making me cry.
... I’m already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I’m hurt when you just keep silent, pretending she didn’t exist.
I’d rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing,
I say “pretty good” or “fine.”
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~Author Unknown

And, I think that is it for now.