Nightmares

Since Owen's death, I've had two nightmares, one this week.  They were both about the same thing. 

The first one I went to a doctor's appointment (not sure which doctor anymore) and the doctor proceeds to hand me an infant baby to hold.  I'm sitting there screaming that I can't do this and I don't want to hold the baby but the doctor is forcing me to hold the baby.  I was screaming, in tears and holding the baby way away from me and no one would take the baby away from me. 

This week I had another nightmare.  I was in a room full of my not so easy to work with German colleagues that I used to audit all the time at one of our subsidiaries.  They all had babies for some reason.  I made a comment to one of the guys (one I hated to go talk to because he smoked cigar like cigarettes in his office...yes allowed in some places in Germany) that his baby was cute.  He literally tossed the baby to me to hold.  They did not realize that Owen had died, so they did not get what they were doing...although, they may not have cared even if they did know.  I immediately handed the baby back and left. 

This explains why I have yet to hold another baby (at least any close to Owen's age) since I held Owen.  I just can't do it...it's a nightmare to me.