Breaking the Silence, I am Still Standing, and so much more

Recently I found out that some family and friends have been saying that they are a bit surprised at how much I still post about my grief on here and on pinterest.  They are surprised I haven't gotten over it and moved on yet.  So, this post is to them and others that may not understand what I've been trying to say in those places...

I lost my son, Owen Eugene, after carrying him for almost 9 months (36 weeks and 5 days to be precise but who's counting??) and then less than 8 months later, I lost his brother or sister, and lost my right tube in the process.  I am sorry that I am not silent about my grief, the pain I've been in, my lost son, my lost son or daughter, my hopes and dreams for both of them and SOOOO much more.  To be honest, you don't even get it all.  I hold back SOOO much both here and on pinterest...stuff that is way too personal to share here with people who do not respect and understand grief, to share with most people really.  That stuff only makes my journal, my long cries in the dark at night in bed alone, outside at night, and even if I am up for it Gene gets to hear some of it...sometimes it is too much to even put in to words to tell him. 

Please think about this long and hard...

You carry your baby inside you, for almost 9 long months...experiencing morning sickness, the pains of your body growing in places that haven't grown in such a long time, complete exhaustiveness, the pains of the baby jabbing you in places you didn't know existed inside you, you love that baby unconditionally without even knowing him or her, you create hopes and dreams for that baby, you build a room and buy things for that baby, you change your lives for that baby and count down the months, weeks and days until you get to hold that baby in your arms and experience the best and most amazing thing in your life when that baby cries, opens their eyes and just loves you without a single thought in the world and so much more.  You love more than you ever have in your life and can't wait until that moment gets here and that little monkey (peanut, bean or whatever you call your baby) who has grown into a fabulous little baby in 9 months. 

Try experiencing all that goes with it and then all of sudden, out of nowhere, all is going normally and then suddenly it isn't.  You find out that your baby that you have loved since the minute you found out you were pregnant with them or possibly even before has no heartbeat anymore.  Then, find out that you still have to deliver that baby that you know is not going to cry when he or she is born, that you have to figure out how to go on in life without all of those hopes and dreams that you just started to feel, that you will never get to use any of those things that you were given or bought for that baby, that your life was ENTIRELY flipped upside down in less than 10 minutes of time, that you will get to spend a few short hours with your baby instead of a lifetime, instead you get to plan a funeral now instead of a wedding in 20+years, and so much more. 

Do you think you can do it and then hide all the emotions that go with it in less than 9 months later?

Please try and think about whether you could give up any of your children that you have gotten to keep with you.  Do you ever go one single day without thinking about them???  Do you think that you could???  I would honestly hope that you couldn't.  If someone took them from you, would you be upset, sad, mad or even more???  I would hope that you would be.  Can you even imagine that for a single second???  I have to live with this the ENTIRE rest of my life. 

So, PLEASE explain to me, why you think that I should stop thinking about my children.  PLEASE explain to me why you think I should hide my grief because that is how I think and how I connect with Owen and my other lost baby.  I express my grief here and on pinterest because I do not have pictures to post on facebook or in person experiences with my children every day of my life to share with anyone else.  If you cannot handle that, then you do not need to come here and read and be part of this.  I am OK with that because this is MY place and not yours. 

This week is approaching Owen's 9 month birthday.  There are some very uncanny things going on this week and I'm a bit emotional about it.  I'm in Indy as of last night and through tomorrow evening for a work training.  Literally just a few days off from exactly 9 months ago.  I'm in the EXACT same hotel as we were.  I walked in to the hotel and about burst in to tears as that was the last happy weekend we had celebrating our soon to be 10 year wedding anniversary before our life was turned upside down.  I'm seeing some of the exact same things as 9 months ago.  The day of Owen's birth was a Thursday...the 13th is Thursday again this month.  I've been thinking a lot recently about what he would be doing now...possibly crawling, talking all the time, eating foods, laughing and smiling, maybe saying mama and/or dada, and so much more.  That day after will mark the day that I've been without him longer than I had with him.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot. 

But, I am still standing.  I am breaking the silence.  I will not stop missing Owen, grieving, posting here or on pinterest.  I stand with a large, very powerful group of people that are joining the babyloss community together more than ever before.  I'm proud to be part of that group, even if the worst thing in the world brought me to that community.  The grass roots effort is so powerful right now.  Some of the people that are leading this powerful effort have been grieving their lost babies for over 20 years.  So, I do not feel that I need to quiet my grief because a few family and friends do not understand.  If you want to see and understand some of those people, then please watch this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcDt-eULXVo.  Change is occurring.