Reading

Randomness on my mind after reading...

Tonight as I was catching up on the mail and newspapers...I was flipping through and saw a baby picture in the middle of the obituaries.  I stopped and read the name as it is surprising to see a baby picture in the obituaries...and then was really surprised...it was the son of my cousin and his wife who I have not talked to in many years.  My heart breaks for them as this is not their first infant loss. 

Online reading tonight... http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/03/easy-for-you-to-say/ (I can't say enough about how much I love this online magazine!  I could recommend almost every article written on there by other baby loss parents.)  This really hit home with me as lately I have been thinking several of these things.  How can heaven be better for Owen than right here at home with his parents?  I have enough angels, I need my son.  There must be a reason that God needed him more, well I can never imagine a reason in my lifetime of why that must be true.  God has plans, well I'm sure he does, but these are absolutely horrible plans and I will never like them.

Then on another blog I keep up with, her most recent post about a baby's cry, also hits home.  I never really thought about why a baby's cry really stabbed at my heart after losing Owen, but I think Lindsey puts it quite right...for me it hurts the most because every mom waits to hear their baby cry the second they arrive in this world and we never got to hear that cry.  And, older kids crying doesn't really bother me...it's that infant cry that is so much different and just makes me stop in my shoes, immediately flinch inside and I have to try and keep it together on the outside.  I remember the first time I was out at a co-worker's house for a 31 party after and there were 2 infants there (both several months older than Owen and the first time I was around other infants)...they were in the other room away from me the entire time, so I was doing OK for the most part.  But when they were crying, it was the only sound I could hear.  I couldn't think, focus or listen to anything else...just those cries...that is all I heard.  I'm sure my face showed it all, but I was trying to keep calm on the outside.  It was so desperately hard to do as my insides were being torn to pieces.  I was grateful when the co-worker I rode with wanted to head home.  I got home that night and realized that my body physically reacted to those cries as well...(yes, for some of you a bit TMI).  Someone brought in their baby to work recently.  I am not able to see most of the floor from where I sit, so I didn't even know the baby was there but I heard the baby cry.  My reaction was still the same as that first time.  It still hurts.