Miscarriage and Ectopic Pregnancy...Happy Mother's Day

I recently added two more words to my personal experience vocabulary...miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy...these hurt just as much as stillbirth, no heartbeat.

We were hoping that in the next month we would be telling family and friends that we were going to be having a baby brother or sister for Owen.  Instead, we are telling them that the brother or sister joined Owen in heaven.

The time I went to the doctor to just see about my crazy body, well, apparently I was pregnant then but just did not know it.  I finally got the courage to take a pregnancy test on April 20.  It took a lot of courage.  I did not even want to buy the dang test because it meant that I would be facing a very difficult 9 months...joy would be there, but mostly I was feeling complete and utter panic and fear.  It was positive and I was scared to even tell Gene...to admit that I was pregnant meant facing those feelings.  We were both happy, but yes, that panic and fear set in immediately. 

I called and made my doctor appointments the next week.  Some hope, happiness and thinking good thoughts about the future started to sink in during the week.  Maybe this would work.  I even allowed myself to look up my due date online...Dec 30, which meant that I would be induced right before Christmas, if not earlier.  A Christmas miracle maybe?!  I was a little worried because I was not feeling pregnant like I did with Owen..no symptoms, other than I was starting to notice my pants were a bit tight already. 

Then, the next weekend...it was SO beautiful outside...we were working in the yard almost all day since Gene had the day off.  I planted some lilies and was enjoying the tulips we planted last fall.  We were amazed because we have planted tulips before at our old house and some came up, but never all of them...this time they did.  (Maybe because it is sort of what we did last fall after Owen's death...maybe he helped with it.)

About 1 or 2 in the afternoon, I came inside and had to go to the bathroom...there really was not any spotting...just flat out bleeding.  Our joy, hopes and happiness were gone in that instant.  I had some minor cramping and continued bleeding.  Our baby was gone like that.  I just was hitting the start of 5 weeks.  I was, and still am, quite devastated.  I didn't go to the ER because I didn't feel any pain and my bleeding wasn't excessive to be worried about.  I knew there was nothing my doctor could do to save the pregnancy. 

I called the doctor office on Monday to cancel my appointments.  They had me go in to the hospital and get blood work done to measure my HCG levels.  The next day, I spent the day playing phone tag with the office because my doctor actually wanted to talk with me.  He was calling me personally.  I didn't get to talk to him until Wednesday morning.  Apparently, my HCG levels were not low enough after miscarrying (they want the levels to be zero because it could mean other problems if they are not) and since we were going on vacation on Saturday he was worried and wanted me to come in to the office as soon as I could for a sonogram and to test my HCG levels again.  I went in that afternoon, the sonogram showed everything was OK and that I had actually miscarried.  The blood work was done and they would call me on Thursday.  So, then on Thursday afternoon, the doctor called me again personally.  My HCG levels were still not at zero.  He wanted me to go to the hospital on Friday morning as soon as I could to get my HCG levels tested again (they can get the results back in 45 minutes instead of the next day like the office), then to immediately go to the office and they would do another sonogram as soon as the office opened.  This time, the sonogram tech saw something in my right tube that she missed the last time, which indicated the remnants of an ectopic pregnancy.  She was worried about it.  I then saw another doctor in the office, who examined me and was quite surprised because I had none of the "normal" signs of an ectopic pregnancy...normally quite painful to the touch or when miscarrying.  Then my doctor finally got out of his surgery and came to see me immediately...he said, well, I guess you will be having surgery today because it was way too risky for me to go on vacation without having something resolved.  My tube could have burst and I could have died if it was not taken care of.  I had to contact work to let them know I wouldn't be in to work and the basics of why.  Gene had to do the same with his work.  So, around 1 pm I went in to surgery to have my laparoscopy surgery.  They did a D&C and then a tubal litigation on my right tube.  By a little after 5 pm I was at home in quite a lot of pain both physically and emotionally.  I realized that I not only lost my baby but also more than likely my right tube (will have to confirm this when we see the doctor this week).  I did not realize that would be a result of the surgery until the sonogram tech said "you will still have 1 tube and that is all you need".  (Wow...that was a giant slap in the face and hurt quite a lot...yes I will have 1 tube left, but I know the problems that lay ahead for us and that a baby is never guaranteed).  I did get to talk to the 3rd doctor in the office that day, as well, in the hallway...he said we've had a shitty year and we deserve the vacation to relax a bit. 

That night, we had a co-worker from Europe and her husband staying with us (they arrived on Thursday night to stay with us until Saturday).  They knew I had emergency surgery but they still do not know why (although I'm sure they can assume part of it since my abdomen was what was hurting).  We had planned to go out to dinner, so we still did that and it was a very great distraction for the night.  I really enjoyed being able to spend time catching up with them.  So it was a highlight of the crappy day. 

I was in such shock that no questions came up during our time in the office and hospital on Friday.  I now have many questions that I want the doctor to help answer more than what I have read online.  How did this happen (probably can't tell me for sure...but I meet zero of the risk factors for an ectopic pregnancy...so why??)?  What are the risks of this happening again (from what I've read we are now at a higher risk)?  What happens if it does happen again (probably lose my remaining tube and then we are done)?  Is there anything we can do to prevent it (don't think so)?  Does this make me double high risk now (does such a thing even exist)??  What else am I going to have to endure in future pregnancies? 

We really have not told anyone about this.  We did not want our families to worry about me while we were on vacation.  The flights were a bit difficult..the boy behind me on the flight from LA to Maui actually had to be asked to stop kicking my seat...when we explained why, his dad moved him.  I felt bad, but it was really necessary.  I really wanted a ride on a golf cart at the airport...but I just took it really slow.  I had to limit my activities in Hawaii...no golfing for me...I was just a rider.  Even the guy that Gene golfed with asked why I wasn't golfing.  I was in quite a bit of pain after that since it was quite bumpy on the course.  I couldn't go in the pool or hot tub because of the chlorine.  I could go in the ocean as it would help with the 3 cuts that were glued shut...the salt water would help is what the doctor said.  I couldn't lay on my sides or belly for most of the trip, which is how I normally sleep.  The trip to Hana we did was a bit much for me at the end of the day...but worth it.  I got a massage while we were there...the lady doing it said my feet had some kind of resistance and unbalance in them, that my chi (life force within me) was very weak and unbalanced, and that she sensed a lot of fear in me...I just laughed because she nailed it all on the head...she highly recommended that I see a homeopathic doctor to see if there is anything wrong that western medicines cannot detect.  We'll see.  I'm a skeptic, but she nailed it on the head.  Who knows.  My sides still are in a bit of pain, but not as bad as before.  It was a good escape from the painful reality we left behind.  And now we are back in reality, what a slap in the face it is.  Glad my face isn't sunburned. 

Anyway, now today is Mother's Day.  Last year, it was a happy day.  Gene bought me a beautiful hanging flower plant and some flowers from Buttercup and Baby O.  Then we went to a Cardinal's game with Gene's family for 4H day.  It was full of hope for Mother's Day this year, when we would have Baby O here with us in person.  Instead, I went to bed at 1 am last night, got up at noon, then sorted through a week's worth of mail, went through my email (paid those fantastic hospital bills from last week) and other things online, worked on laundry, etc., trying to ignore what day it was.  I did get a few texts from family wishing me a happy mother's day today.  It's a bit bittersweet but I did greatly appreciate it a lot. 

Edit: Gene did get us Samao ice cream on Sunday night as a Mother's Day gift to me, so we could drown our sorrows in it.  It was quite fitting and yummy, too.